The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath


0:02 Beginning theme, comforting, like her first diary entries, sounds to me like: it is, it is gonna be ok, it is, it is gonna be ok…
…I love people. Everybody. Every story, every incident, every bit of conversation is raw material for me…I have to live my life, it’s the only one I’ll ever have.”

00:22 and the theme repeats, but a little stronger this time, more emotional, deeper bass, deeper her love for life:
“…I want to live and feel all the shades, tones, and variations of mental and physical experience possible in my life”

00:40, the pace slows, in her journals the first shadows, signs of depression, contemplation:
“Yes there is joy, fulfillment and companionship – but the loneliness of the soul in its appalling self-consciousness, is horrible and overpowering -“

01:02 tempo is rising, as her spirits, she has a nice life to look forward. College begins, dates, dreams of her perfect man. It seems…

01:18 IT IS, it is gonna be ok, beginning theme comes again, symbolizes her first writing recognition. She is offered scholarships, money, she has a relationship.
“…I am not ugly, not an imbecile, not poor, not crippled…I am going for hardly any money at all to one of the best colleges. I have earned $1000 by writing. Hundreds of ambitious girls would like to be in my place. They write me letters… Five years ago if I could have seen myself now, I would have said: That is all I could ever ask!”

But then… 01:36… a realization dawns on her
“…and there is the fallacy of existence: the idea that one would be happy forever and aye with a given situation or series of accomplishments. Why did Virginia Woolf commit suicide? Or Sara Teasdale…”

Something is wrong with her too, she feels it, the dream of a happy life gets shattered, pounded again and again by strong bass piano chords all leading to November 3, 1952:
“I am afraid…I want to kill myself, to escape from responsibility, to crawl back abjectly in the womb. I do not know who I am, where I am going – and I am the one who has to decide the answers to these hideous questions”

1:55. Beginning theme emerges but stops, only the first notes are played, leaving the statement unconcluded. Is it gonna be ok?
Is it?
Is it?

24 August 1953, she reaches for the bottle of pills…